What do we mean by boundaries, and why are they important?
Boundaries in the physical world help protect us and allow us to control who can enter and leave quickly. Boundaries that we set with people fulfill a similar purpose. When we set boundaries, we protect ourselves by deciding how much energy or time people and projects can receive. Being able to say ‘no’ prevents us from taking on too much and burning out or doing things that don’t align with our goals and values.
How do I start setting boundaries?
Setting boundaries isn’t something we are overtly taught, and it can be challenging to do if it’s something you’ve never seen modeled. But the first step is to look within and ask yourself, what is it that I need? What is not sitting well with you in your life right now? It could be that you feel as though you’re expected to do something you’re uncomfortable with, something that isn’t your responsibility, or a decision you’ve been pushed into.
Below are some tips on setting boundaries with your friends, family, coworkers, or even yourself.
1. Be clear and assertive
Setting a boundary can feel like you’re inconveniencing or causing conflict, leading us to dance around the subject rather than being direct. To appear assertive when setting boundaries, you can try using ‘I’ statements, i.e., “ I feel upset when you borrow my things without asking because I like to know where things are. I need you to ask if you’d like to borrow something.” Something like this is clear but firm without blaming or criticizing the person you’re speaking with.
2. Learn how to say ‘no.’
When saying ‘no,’ we often feel the need to explain. We know from experience that hearing a ‘no’ can be disappointing, and the people pleaser within us will want to ease the conflict. But ‘No.’ is a complete sentence, and you don’t have to explain yourself. Alongside assertiveness, sometimes we also need to learn how to tolerate feeling uncomfortable.
3. Make time for yourself and safeguard your spaces
You can also set boundaries for your belongings, home, and emotional spaces alongside your energy and time. With our ‘always on’ mentality in modern life, the lines between work and home have never been more blurred. But just as our technology has blurred these lines, it has also created tools to combat the issue. Allowing us to set boundaries without any direct communication from us.
For example:
- Decide a cut off point for all digital communications and use your devices ‘do not disturb’ setting to enforce this.
- Ensure your devices are secure with unique passwords or codes.
- Remember to set your ‘out of office’ notifications when you’re taking time off.
- Temporarily delete apps you want a break from them.
- Remember to set aside time for yourself that is non-negotiable
4. Ask for support and reassurance
If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty crossing them, never hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. Sometimes talking things through with someone without judgment can reaffirm our confidence to set boundaries and help us feel assured.